Yes, let's play Sims 3 instead of reading news about American politics. Hahahaha, it's becoming a dystopia, guys! WOOO
On the outside I'm laughing, but on the inside, I'm drunk.
ANYWAY
Pat: "As your ruler, King Pat the Fantastic, I declare war on Congress!"
Alec: "SIT DOWN AND PLAY CHESS BEFORE I PUMMEL YOU WITH A ROOK"
I didn't show off Kaleb's teen digs last chapter. Or did I?
"Just 'cause I'm gay doesn't mean I want to be decked out in rainbows."
That's like complaining that your ice cream sundae has too much fudge.
"Some people don't like that much fudge?"
QUIET, HERETIC
What the hell? Am I getting bouts of meteor showers off the lot?
SimJesus doesn't want my legacy to continue, apparently.
Your house is brightly lit. Your Painting skill is nearly 9 points.
WHY.ARE.YOUR.PAINTINGS.SO. GODDAMN.DARK.
"I don't learn contrasting and perception drawing until 10 points."
I'm pretty much a useless human being and I have taught myself to draw somewhat adequately well. What's your excuse?
"I crave the darkness of eternal sleep."
Calm down, Evanescence.
ALEC: "I DO BELIEVE IT IS TIME FOR BIRTHDAY FESTIVITIES!"
...for some reason, he has the voice of Brian Blessed in my head, I don't know. My mind's a weird place.
Imagine being so traumatized by your adequate upbringing to succumb to Gardening.
"I AM A STRAPPING YOUNG MAN!"
If you say so.
Pat: "Hey, it's my turn, bestie!"
Still don't care.
"RUDE"
And he turned into every fifteen-year-old quasi-emo dork on Tik Tok. Well done.
"Hey, can I borrow a car to do the Kiki Challenge?"
...I don't understand youths today. Get off my lawn!
His first affirmation of teenagedom is to booby trap the sink. Though, technically, he's not your son, just his anthropomorphized doll.
...don't think about the meta indications, it'll fuck you up.
Vampire gnome: "You shall not pass."
Bront: "I'm heckin offend. 0/10, would chew face off."
I swear this vampire gnome is trying to kill my sims. It pops up in front of the fridge and bathroom a lot.
"Why don't any of us get a birthday cake?"
What, you aren't happy with your birthday hotdogs?
Obligatory "he must be a politician hurr hurr hurr" joke.
When you have a Skype interview at 4pm and a Sherlock marathon at 5.
Heidi: "Congrats. Your one step closer to death."
Heidi, go take your pills.
Beau: "My turn!"
...wait, did I not get a picture of him afterward? I am the WORST at this.
He looks basically the same.
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
Thought I could make it through a chapter without having to boot the game.
Dapper.
"Daaayum, is what I say."
Save it for the bedroom, Kaleb.
I re-rainbowed him.
"This isn't a rainbowacy."
I LIKE RAINBOWS. SHUT UP.
Mostly, all the sims are skilling their pixelated asses off, so I got bored and started looking around town.
Hey, you two. I thought I told you to play chess, not molest each other in the garden.
The horse cult has disbanded, it seems.
Blonde horse: "But I am HorseJesus, savior of hooves, forgiver of glue factories."
Take it up with the HorseMayor.
Oh, I see. The horse cult was disbanded by the Holy Snowman Alliance!
"Kill the horse heretics! The truth is within Frosty the Snowman!"
I think Beau is the only one who interacts with Bront. Admittedly, I only adopted him so that he could hunt for gems.
Beau: "I'm calling ASPCA."
What, people have wiener dogs to search for truffles.
Kaleb and his futher mother-in-law don't get along.
Heidi: "Did you...touch my easel?"
Kaleb: "Sorry, I thought this was the family easel."
Heidi: "You already have beds, food, toilets, and now you want my EASEL?"
Do I need to get the straightjacket?
YAY LIFE FRUIT
YAY FAMILY DYSFUNCTION
Wait, what?
Heidi: "Look, I don't care who or what you're doing the sideways samba with, tell your pretty boy to quit messing with my easel."
Beau: "Uh..."
These two. Always sneaking off to grope each other.
Beau: "My, your back looks absolutely filthy! Let me scrub it for you."
Kaleb: "Oh, yes, I need a good loofah."
O___O
-____-
O____O
Pat: "Wait, why does Kaleb get to have dudelove in the shower and I'm stuck on the treadmill?!"
Sorry, Alec doesn't swing that way.
Speaking of Alec...I gave you rejects a full full of bunkbeds. Why are you in a sleeping bag?
"BEING IN A SLEEPING BAG FOOLS ME INTO THINKING I'M BEING HELD BY A LOVER"
Nraas, I don't need your NSASS, right now, mmkay?
Pat: "Uh...that wasn't what it looked like I swear. Those were just popups, I was just checking SimFace."
"Normally, I wouldn't care if you were into some freaky shit, but BELLA GOTH AND A CAGE OF GERBILS?!"
Pat: "*cries* DON'T KINKSHAME ME"
This gnome likes to block sims path to the toilet. I thereby name it R.Kelly.
R.Kelly: "I don't see nothing wrong...with a little pee of mine"
I do, when the pee's on my damn floor.
Well, not as bright as I'd like it, but it'll do.
Heidi: "iow3niogpq3w3wphnriphn?"
...I think she's high off the paint fumes. Sniff some turpentine, you'll be fine.
WOO! Three skills down!
Pat: "...there's a girl. Behind me. She has boobs. whatdoIdoi'mpanicking"
Getting friends for maxing the Charisma skill is fucking hard when there's no other households in the neighborhood, so I've had to have roommates.
Well, I was hoping Heidi could entertain the tourists and paparazzi to make friends, but apparently they're too busy making "business transactions".
Heidi: "Hold on, I know a few verses of Lady Marmalade..."
Pink skirt: "I am not a whore, I am an urologist doing home visits."
More like HO visits. *canned laughter*
"Oh, I can't wait till the Trick or Treaters get here!"
Heidi...it's Summer.
"Well, I'm just really really early this year."
We finally got an MM! They went a roadtrip...one lot over.
Heidi: "No matter how green my motives are, you can't remove the emptiness within."
That's when you drink alcohol.
"I'm growing up!"
Joy.
Going to a discotheque?
"I've got a strange desire to watch Xanadu."
"IT IS TIME FOR MY OWN EMERGENCE INTO ADULTHOOD!"
"BRING ME A LASS UNTO WHICH I SHALL RENDER HER BREATHLESS WITH MY TENDER KISS"
*snorts*
Like Yoda, he looks!
"LIKE A BITCH, YOU INSULT"
"I am also doin a heckin birthday!"
Damn, didn't think we had Bront that long.
Beau: "Well, I think it's high for this."
Kaleb: "What, my sugar booty bear?"
"Marry me, Kaleb. Let us bring forth a new generation as one."
"OH it's so sparkly!"
Bront: "Yeah, no thanks to the gem-hunting mutt."
I bought you a bottomless food bowl, shut up.
Beau: "See, the shine matches the sparkle in your eye, my love."
Awwww...
and we ruin your sentimental moment with NIGHTMARES
Alec: "THE MERGING OF OUR BRAINS IS QUITE PAINFUL"
Why'd I opt for a community lot wedding. There's no community lot.
POP INTO YOUR FORMALS ALREADY
Beau: "Uh, the music's a bit premature, mom."
"I need to express my disapproval of your marriage in song."
I announce you both married. May I please welcome Beau and Kaleb Ellington!
The reception was a subdued affair.
Alec, are you honestly in workout attire...
"YOU DIDN'T CHANGE ME WHEN I GREW UP. IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT."
First dance between husband and husband was a stubbed toe affair.
Kaleb: "OUCH, you have two left feet!"
Alec: "I HAVE FOUND A WOMAN TO WOO WITH MY AFFECTIONS!"
Doesn't look like she's reciprocating.
Back at the ranch...
Beau: "Let's get started on our wedding night right here"
Kaleb: "Oh, take me, lover boy"
Pat: "I am uncomfortable."
Heidi: "*is indifferent...and possibly braindead*"
Sadly, we can't start on the third generation without moving out Alec and Pat. And they need to unlock their respective community lots. Pat's unlocking the Fire Station (Athletic and Handiness) and Alec is doing the Grocery store (Gardening).
!!!
Say it isn't so! Are you nearly--? Are you about to--?
WOO
HE'S UNLOCKED THE FIRST COMMUNITY LOT!
WOO
WO--that's just atrocious. 10 POINTS IN PAINTING, HEIDI.
I gave them back a stove.
Can I trust you losers to not roast the house like a chestnut?
It took a relocation or two because the routing in this town is borked, but time to place the Grocery store!
Heidi: "We are partners of this fine establishment."
Now get back in there and buy out the store.
...I shouldn't have the clemency to name buildings. Or things in general.
Heidi: "Look, just because you're my son-in-law doesn't mean I have to like you. When are you going to give me grandchildren?"
Kaleb: "When you have another baby, raise it, and they have a child for you, you old bitch."
WE-ARE-FAMILY
GOT-ALL-MY-LOVED-ONES-WITH-ME
Well, on this note of familial hatred, I'll end the chapter here.
Next time: Babies?!
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