The Ellington Mission ("Nothing is Free" Challenge) - Part 1 - Grass, Nature's Carpet

ONCE UPON A TIME

ON AN EMPTY ISLAND IN BUMFUCK NOWHERE

 "OOOOH no, this ain't happening. No siree." 

Do I need to get the cattleprod again?

"Bite me, puppeteer. I'll be no doll to fascist work camps!"

 Look around real good, green bean. Do you see a City Hall? People who care?

 

Regardless of her green skin and elf ears, she is a human sim as per Nothing is Free rules. The trait that the age bar is hiding is the Perfectionist trait. 

ARE YOU READY....FOR LEGACY LIVING?

"This lot is completely empty." 

RIVETING

I Xtreme started her to 1200 sim bucks. Though the Sims 3 legacy rules amount maybe 1300, actually. Whatever. 

"Um, couldn't you look that up? A hundred simoleans difference could mean life and death?"

Nah. Enjoy your poverty. 

"I hate you." 

So, the point of the Nothing is Free challenge is, well, nothing is free. Sims are required to max skills in order to unlock community lots and then they must buy them (not just partner, we have to buy them). There are no other households, just the ones that the founding sim will produce. Which means, our future spouses will be NPCs like the mailman/woman and (thanks to Story Progression) tourists/paparazzi/homeless.

 This is Heidi's LTW. 

TIME TO WORK

*whipcrack*

Like your house?

"Bitch, that's a fucking bunker. This ain't the apocalypse, build the rest of it!" 

Make some money then, ya green M&M. 

"But I can't get a job!" 

Neither can I. Welcome to life. It sucks donkey dick. 

 "This is it. This is how far I've fallen. I'm digging through rubbish, condoms, and junkie needles for fucking furniture."

Stop your fucking profanity, goddamnit. 

Ho ho ho, who's this ho? 

"Zis town is eempty. Zat's ze last time I use a free "Random Western Vacation" ticket."

 

Heidi: "*blinks strangely* Hi, I'm Heidi. Welcome to Autumn Falls!" 

Tourist: "Zank you! Erm...do you have Tourettes? What's with the blinking?" 

Heidi: "*whisper* what, you don't know blinking Moorse code? Whatever, here's the deal. You get me out of Gilead and I'll become your housemaid." 

Well, it's like the UN over here.  

BTW, we're not at any official beach lot, though we are near sand. I plucked all of the community lots from the town. 

"Which is counter-intuitive to being a tourist." 

Shut up.

 

Tourist: "Ah, is it a cultural thing of Simerica for you elves to smell like rubbish?"

Heidi: "I dunno, is a cultural thing for your country to be fez-wearing fuckfaces?" 

"OH, the combination of your rancid armpit stench and foul manners has made me quite ill!" 

"Ew, get your puke and speech bubble away from me, turd!" 

"Oh, all this Simerican rudeness has tired me out." 

I hope you both die of Sudden Sim Sun Combustion.  

Lady tourist: "Oh, zere iz a lo-cale of zee land! Maybe she'll be my bas-tee-ion of cultural learning!" 

Heidi: "*pukes stomach acid*" 

Lady tourist: "...never mind." 

Looking around for more tourists and I stumbled upon a domestic dispute.

"I can't beelieve I left SimFrance to leeve like a vagabond! You spent zee last of our sim bucks on a stoopid puffy-sleeve dress!" 

"'Ow dare you! I didn't buy zis dress! I fashioned it from lamps I found in zee rubbish bins!" 

"Then why are we BROKE?!"

"Well, excusez-moi if I didn't want to suck on rats for nourishment! I bought a chili dog from one of zee's stalker food trucks!" 

"A chili dog? And you didn't share it with moi?"

"YOU ATE ZEE LAST OF ZEE ROASTED PIDGEON, YOU PEAU DE ZOB!" 

Tune in next week for Haute Hobo, only on Sim Soap Opera network. 

"Well, my escape plan didn't work. Guess it's time to just lie here and wait to spontaneously combust by Toxic Sim Sun Syndrome." 

"Help, green parrot! This rock quicksand has eaten my feet!"

"Well, how do I load this HM Fly into you?"

Parrot: "Polly isn't a Pokemon, you green imp." 

"I know, I'll try urinating on the rock quicksand to loosen my feet!" 

This is like jellyfish stings, piss isn't the universal solution! 

"Tell that to R.Kelly." 

"Hello, small child. Will you be my friend?"

Child: "I knew I should have brought my Stranger Danger whistle."

 Widened the house and colored the furniture in a lovely color of "Poor Ass Wood Varnish". 

We've been taking pictures of everything we can earn Photography skill off of. Heidi now starts on her Painting skill. I think we'll try to unlock the City Hall/Military Outpost/Police Station combo, which means maxing Charisma, Logic, Athletic, Painting, and Handiness. Honestly, that's not too daunting if you're an experienced sim player. I might go for Gardening as well so we can get some Life Fruit. I don't think I saw a restriction against that or anything. I'm going to stay away from Alchemy because that tends to get too cheaty for me.  

"Do I get any say in this?"

Are you the Good and Honorable Mouseclicker? 

"...feel like I'm in 1984."

Ooh, a crow!

"Quoth the Raven, 'fuck orf, mate.'"  

Eh, we can't befriend it anyway. 

What the hell? It's a freaking ranch over here!

Brown horse: "If only had opposable thumbs, I could start the garden of my dreams...carrots for miles..." 

...

 "I dedicate this song to my captor and action-canceler.

Ahem. 

You, what do you own the world?
How do you own disorder, disorder
Now somewhere between the sacred silence
Sacred silence and sleep
Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep
Disorder, disorder, disorder"

Tourist: "Hmm, she's alright with the guitar." 

Don't encourage her.  

...did your mother dress you and you put on the hat at school or something, brah?

Terry: "Uh...what?"

Heidi: "Don't mind her. She's the bitch overlord that decides everything for my life." 

Terry: "Um...K. I have...a thing I need to do." 

*prepares lasso*

Really? This is the dude you heartfart for? Tigershirt McBushyBrows? 

"I'm telling my father you said that." 

Yeah, tell Mr. McBushyBrows not to breed anymore while you're at it. 

More house expansion!

"And yet you couldn't section off the bathroom?"

Quiet, ho. 

"*low conspiratorial voice* Alright, here's the deal. We put on a ruse for the Bitch Overlord like we're going along with this legacy bullshit. Then, we high tail it out of here for SimFrance." 

Terry Diamond: "I have been summoned." 

Your future rapidly approaches. 

"Sooooo...move in with me, yeah?" 

Terry: "What's in for me?"

"Baby-making, money-making, and skill-topping."

"Uh...do I have a choice?"

If you define choice between saying yes or dying in a four-walled room of stoves and rugs. 

"Guess I'll move in then."

Wise choice. 

"Shall we...seal the deal with a kiss?" 

But did you know, that when it snows

My eyes become large

And the light that you shine can be seen?

BAAAABEY 

I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THE GREY

OOOH THE MORE I GET FROM YOU

THE STRANGER IT FEELS, YEAAAH

Heidi: "Alright, you can fucking stop that now."

He said Seal the deal.

Looking at his skills and

HOLY SHIT

Was this a repairman NPC before? Is this allowed? Is this a glitch?

I guess to make up for it so it doesn't seem like a cheat, he'll go for the Science Lab/Hospital community lot which requires maxing Logic, Gardening, Handiness, and Fishing. 

And I forgot to take a photo of his Personal tab. Now, I have to boot the game. Sigh, legacy writing is hard.

  

Women go crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man. 

Oh, fuck you Duck Dynasty, ruining a perfectly good song. Though on closer inspection, I've kind of turned him into Polynesian David Tennant, a la Tenth Doctor. 

"Why Polynesian?" 

Did you know IRL that dark-skinned people on the Solomon Islands have natural blonde hair? Not bleach blonde, more like strawberry blonde. There, I just taught you something in this rubbish scrapbook of my little doll people.

"Uh...double bed pls? I'm quite tired." 

Eh, we're holding off on the marriage since we're dead ass broke for now. Find a soft piece of floor.

Though I did try to find some rocks to sell, but Terry's routing was fucking up and I had to reset him. 

"ERROR 404: BRAIN NOT FOUND" 

Fast-forward a couple of days and selling some rocks and paintings for a meager sum, we're finally able to afford the double bed. You know what means, right? Eh? Eh?

That's right! Sleep! 

This is getting more and more like marital reality. (*is single and has never been married*)

This seems like a fair stopping point for the first chapter. Don't fret, ma chere, the second one will be up probably within the same day.