The Ellington Mission ("Nothing is Free" Challenge) - Part 2 - Post-Partum Insanity

No, I didn't fuck up. Your eyes fucked up. I fixed your eyes' mistake, therefore I am God. What the fuck is this subtitle. 

Photoshop magic? No, lighting mod by BurntWaffles! Though I can't remember if it's the California lighting or Midnight Sun one. D'oh. 

Last time, on the Ellington Legacy, our founder Heidi started off on her skills required to unlock the City Hall/Police Department/Military Outpost community lot which requires maxing Charisma, Logic, Athletic, Painting, and Handiness. She met Terry Diamond and he moved in, and we found he had already maxed Handiness by the grace of SimGod. 

So...we continue on...

 

"Here's this dog turd I shined to a brilliant sparkle and stuck on a ring. Marry me?" 

And so Terry Diamond was downgraded to Terry Cubic Zarconium. 

 

Terry: "Oh, I'm so excited that your arm breaking through my back didn't hurt at all!" 

 

 A wedding next to a broken ass waterfall? Perfect for a legacy wedding!

 

"With this ring made out of bronzed aluminum foil, I thee wed." 

...is that sidewalk paint on a steep mountain? 

Heidi: "Focus, Bitch Overlord."

 

"With this Ring of Binding Marital Force, I thee ensl--I mean, wed." 

Woo, now  you get to skill, make babies, and die! *blows party maker and throws rice*

 

 "I shall now make you truly mine by sucking your soul's essence out through your nose."

"And now a romantic song for my new husband...

Ahem...

I don't have a library card
But do you mind if I check you out?
I like your skeletal structure, baby
You're an ectomorph, no doubt

Your face is real symmetrical
And your nostils are so nice
I wish that I was cross-eyed, boy
So I could see you twice

Boy, you smell like Fritos
That's why I'm giving you this hungry stare
You're so hot, you're gonna melt
The elastic in my underwear..."

*tears up* So touching. 

(Wanna B Ur Lover by Weird Al Yankovic) 

 

I've decided that Terry will unlock the Hospital/Science Lab combo lot, which requires Logic, Gardening, Handiness, and Fishing. But he had wish for Athletic skill. 

Terry: "Gonna get super buff for you, my puddin' pie." 

Heidi: "That's nice, dear." 

 

"Can I stop fishing? I'm getting tired of shoving fish up my inter-dimensional ass."

No.

 

*Pink Panther theme* 

Touch those plants and I'll turn you into a hat. 

"Calm down, ese. I only wish to sample the contents of your trashcan." 

 

"Why is the stove turned around?"

We can't have fire alarms or call firefighters because there's no Fire Station in town. So, none of you are touching the stove without at least 3 Cooking points. That's right, it's Sims 1 rules, baby. 

 

"How am I meant to heat up this easy mac without a stove?"

Oh, I don't know. That rectangular electromagnetic box to your right.

 

Heidi: "Sooooo...baby making time?" 

Terry: "I was hoping for a little more foreplay than that." 

 

Heidi: "Wait, what's that smell?"

Terry: "Oh shit, that Minnow I put in my ass inventory's gone bad." 

 

*3 days later*

"I have news." 

You still paint like a five-year-old?

 

"My eggo is preggo. Also, these boots are literally eating my legs." 

 

 "Hmmm...ugh. I change my mind, can I go back to fishing? Logic is HARD" 

Well, hope into one hand, shit into the other and see which one fills up first.

 

"MY INSIDES ARE TRYING TO BECOME OUTSIDES" 

 

 "OH GOD CALL THE MIDWIFE! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO? DO I GET HOT WATER? DO I PREPARE A WHELPING BOX?" 

 

 *seconds later*

"Huh, maybe if I moved the pawn to E4..."

Heidi: "YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO TOUCH ME AGAIN AFTER THIS, YOU USELESS BALLBAG" 

It's a boy! I named him Beau.

He's Neurotic and Absent-Minded. So, he's me, basically.

 

The sparkle mitosis commences!

 

LITTLE GREEN BEAN!!

"Don't call my son a vegetable!" 

 

No, I meant like a jellybean. He now looks like a lemon-lime Jelly Belly.

"...don't talk to me or my son ever again." 

Have you forgotten my role as the Bitch Overlord, ya sprig of asparagus?

 

 Great, thanks Bluetooth for disconnecting my keyboard.  

"Hmm, I don't really see myself in this kid."

It's a bit too soon to find out if he's a moron.

"No, it's not too soon to--HEEEEY. That was profoundly insulting." 

Have I ever been anything but?

Heidi: "I change my mind, let's return him to the stork."

Terry: "Think that'll work if we don't put the return address on the box?"

What the hell is with the horse cult outside? Also, I just noticed the paint job is fucky on the house.

Horse: "We serve the one true messiah, Beau the Baby Green."

...

Woah, where you two tourists going?

They both hitched taxis to a different part of the empty town. Why do you keep coming here if we have no tourist attractions?

And then they promptly disapparated.

Goddamn wizards.

"I shall play my music to the trees so they may dance with the breeze."

Are you having post-partum insanity?

"I strum my guitar so that the ghosts can feel the vibrations." 

Reign it in, Yoko, you have a baby to raise.

"I wonder if babies are good fertilizer."

...do I have to tie you to a hitching post?

I...how is that in anyway a BRILLIANT painting?

"The darkness obscuring the focal point of the painting represents the futility of making goals for the future."

I think I need to find you some Sim Prozac. Where's the crazy doctor that appeared when Sims had aspiration failure in the Sims 2?

"I have grown but you didn't give me a party. For shame."

Well, the home lot is glitched so I can't access the phone or sim pie menus. Suck it, little Yoda.

"Why is mother-of-mine staring at the wall crying?"

I may have had words with her about playing guitar autonomously until she starves to death.

Beau: "Well, at least father-of-mine isn't useless."

Heh. Like I ever bother with toddler skills unless it's to get LTW points.

Beau: "...I'm calling social services."

With what not-borked-to-shit-phone?

"I'm aging up to Adult! On the outside I might be cheering, but on the inside, I feel the impending doom of my own futility."



This game is supposed to be FUN.

"I'll show you fun! Get me an El Camino and hairplugs STAT!"

BALLS.

"I'M ALSO BECOMING AN ADULT."

Okay, calm down, before your teeth pop out.

"I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER"

DOUBLE BALLS.

Can you NOT just painting a picture of the FUCKING HOUSE?

"I painted it through my tears."

Sigh.

"Oh, Peanut. You're the only one who understands me in this insane asylum."

And of COURSE, Terry rolls this wish.

NO. YOU ARE STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS.

"ALL THIS DRAMA IS FOSTERING MY TENDENCY TO BECOME A SERIAL KILLER"

And yet...your motives are COMPLETELY FULL.

"Could you please turn the stove around?"

Well, if we can assured your wife won't try to put Beau in the oven.

"Wait, why are you saving the game?"

Insurance.

"Second baby?"

"Oh, the Prozac is finally working then?"

"No, I was just thinking what a mint we could make from black market adoption."

"HUNGRY"

How hard is it to brown a fucking cheese sandwich?

I swear, it's like you all are toddlers. And the actual toddler is less work than the adults!

"I am growing up!"

Joy.

Oh, dear.

"Dahling, might I say that this faux wood decor is SO pioneer..."

Great, I'm raising up Tim Gunn.

Thank you for reading this installment of the Ellington Legacy. Next time...will there be another green baby? Will Heidi continue to be insane? Will Terry burn himself to ashes from his awful cooking?

Tune in next time.