Monday, October 1, 2018

The Ellington Mission ("Nothing is Free" challenge) - Part 5 - Skillage in the Village

  
Cut my life into pizza
This is my plastic fork!
 Mastication, it's cheesy
Don't give a fuck if my face is greasy! 

...hi. Welcome back to this shambles of legacy/Nothing is Free challenge. 


Heidi: "Can I not eat my yogurt without you snapping pictures of me?" 

Hurry up and SKILL. 


"Yay, I'm so brain-fried from constant skilling that I accidentally attached a mixing bowl to my wrist!"  

Nothing a saw couldn't fix.


Bront is still kicking around. For some reason, all my dogs have weird proportions, so it's a small dog that looks like it's been juicing on steroid kibble. 

"Pedigree ain't got nothing on these gainz." 


 *headdesk* Why *slam* can't *slam* you make *slam* one good *slamslam* fucking PORTRAIT?!

Heidi: "I don't know, maybe this idealized life of indentured servitude to a totalitarian dictatorship of breeding and constantly skilling has been a bit miserable for me." 

Oh, yes, you're suffering so much with your adequate house and VW that gooses up all your motives.


Heidi: "Are you...touching my easel?"

Uh oh.


"Obviously, you must be brainless to even THINK you have the artistic skill to become a master of painting as I am." 


"Please, I've seen your last painting. Don't quit your day job. Oh, wait, you don't have one, do you?" 

DING DING


Heidi: "At least there's one kid that doesn't mouth off to me." 

Alec: "HELLO MOTHER, HOW SURPRISING TO FIND YOU UPON MY DOORSTEP WITHOUT CALLING AHEAD FIRST."


Heidi: "LITTLE SHIT I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU" 


Pat: "Ugh, my hands are callused and my back hurts, can I stop upgrading things?"

No.  You're unlocking the Fire Station so future generations don't end this legacy by leaving pots on the stove.



I swear, I'm not making them fight. They honestly have these familial disputes often. It's annoying.

Heidi: "What is the use of you staying here when you won't give me grandchildren?"

Beau: "Will Wright in sim heaven, mother-of-mine, I'm not a pez dispenser of kids."



And here are the second generation sims' traits. Kaleb also earned a trait from getting up in Nerd cred (Bookworm). 


There. Skill Logic and quit going off on your family members. 




Wait, Bront. What are you doing in the middle of this field?

"I am following human."

Turns out he was following Kaleb, who was going out to make friends with new tourists. 

"I like that human. He actually plays with me."

Well the other sims try to play with you, but you bite them.


Come on, Terry. You can do it Terry.

"Quiet. I must have full concentration." 


WOO


DOUBLE WOO


Yay! We got a hospital and...only a spa. 

FUCK. I didn't put down the spa/bookstore combo. And I wouldn't have enough money for the spa/bookstore combo. FUCK. 


"Your hospital and science lab has been bought. Now it's time to make a virus and conquer the world with the T-Virus." 

Or get you committed. 


NO QUIT CHASING OFF THE MAILMAN, I NEED SKILL CERTIFICATES

Bront: "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE WORST OF ME" 


Heidi: "YAY I'm getting old! Wait, no, this is terrible. I change my mind." 


"Fuck." 

Indeed. 


Heidi: "I've still got it." 

Pat: "I'm offended that you haven't changed me out of this leisure suit." 

I'm offended that you haven't maxed Handiness and Athletics yet. Hurry up, I need the space for heirs and spares! 


Evidence that this town is being affected by the Matrix. 

Also, it's noted that one of these gents is called Wang Bo Sexton. *snort* Thank your mother for me. 


Heidi.

Heidi: "What, I didn't do anything. He just collapsed. Sim Finder really sends over the chumps." 



This guy looks like diet-Russell Brand.  

Heidi: 


HEEY no peaking in the windows! 


And you, diet Russell! 

"Is...is that a pregnant dude?" 


Oh, yeah. Kaleb's pregnant. 


"Soooo...can I ask the cliche question? How's this baby going to come out?" 

How do any babies in this game appear? Sparkle mitosis. 

"Just 'cause they're sparklies doesn't mean it's not painful." 


Do you not have anything to do Beau? 

"I already topped Writing and unlocked the bookstore, which you can't afford."  

Shut up.


Will you two quit getting on each others' shit.

Terry: "Well, he keeps prancing around here like he owns the house. All my blood sweat and tears that went into this family and this spoiled little shit thinks he's all that because he got his boytoy pregnant?" 

 He is the heir of the second generation. Get off your first gen high horse and go water the plants.


Ooh, last Charisma point!

Since Charisma is such an ass of a skill to max, I've changed Kaleb's assigned unlock to be the Big Park, which only requires Gardening and Logic. It's hard to make that many friends and acquaintance with only two households in a world. 


"I'm getting old!"

Thought you already were.

"I am distinguished!"

Says the man tasting the rain water. 


WOO

Now he just needs to max Athletic and move out.  Just in time, too, because...

"GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL NOOOOOOW"

No epidural. Come on, give into the sparkles! 

"YOU GIVE IN TO THE FUCKING SPARKLES"


Terry: "OH I HOPE I'M NOT ABOUT TO SEE SOME ALIEN SHIT" 

"SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT HELPING"


Heidi: "Just push, you big baby! Just imagine you're constipated and it's just a really big poo!" 

Kaleb: "I WILL HIT HER. BEAU, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!" 


"Husband-of-mine, you are being melodramatic."

"YEAH, I'LL REMEMBER THIS WHEN YOU'RE IN LABOR, 'CAUSE I'M  NOT DOING THIS AGAIN"

"You're starting to sound like Alec, dear." 


"My loins have birthed forth life." 

Awwww! Meet baby Mariska. Yes, inspired from Mariska Hartigay, who plays Olivia Benson on Law and Order: SVU.  

She was born with the Grumpy and Artistic traits.

Alright, guys. We don't have to have a conga in the baby's room. 

"Excuse me, Pat. We want to hold our OWN CHILD." 

"Well, you two were off canoodling and your OWN CHILD was lying here with a full diaper." 



HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

no. 

And we have the bookstore bought! 

Heidi: "Like I have the time to read."


"Who's my wittle sugarplum puddin' pie!" 

Careful, don't inhale the baby, now. 


WTF

WHY are you two so hostile to each other?  I get that you're a neurotic diva, but that shouldn't be a hobby!


Terry: "Still thinks he's the king of roost because he's a father now." 

"I have more than earned my keep, father-of-mine! You're lucky I let you hold Mariska!" 


Kaleb dutifully skills Logic so we can have a park to go to. 

"And distracting myself from the latest of Beau's little meltdowns." 

How do you put up with them?

"Let's just say...I like the making up part the best."

TMI. 


"I feel a tingling within me." 

Probably developed heart problems from all that salt you're slingin' about. 


"Nope, my man uterus has created life." 


WOO


Come on, Heidi...I believe in you...


OH FUCK YOU, SHE HAD 25 RELATIONSHIPS

 Damn sims and them being inconsiderable and DYING when I need their friendships!

 Bront: "You're doin me a heckin anger right now." 

Mailman: "Please, I just want to deliver the last of my route..." 


"BORK BORK GET THE H*CK OFF MY LOT BEFORE I BAMBOOZLE YOU" 


WOOOOOOOOOO

I hate the Charisma skill and it's friend bullshit.

The conga line of baby-holders continues. 

Beau: "Damn it, unhand daughter-of-mine before I bump you with my preggo belly!"


Two skills down, three more to go...

*Rocky Theme*

"I ain't running up no damn steps, now." 


Mariska's growing up!


"THE SPARKLES FEEL LIKE PAIN AND GLITTER"

 oh
mY
GOD

SHE'S SO CUTE! 


"Yeah, maybe I am a diva, but you're no slice of humble pie, father-of-mine!" 

"Goddamnit, can't you just call me DAD, ya freak"

Are you two gonna end up on Dr. Phil? 


Mariska: "Ugh, it's too long to crawl to the kitchen, I'll ride Daddy's leg. *grabs hold*" 
 


"So I just sit down on the potty and Missingno helps me poop!" 


YAY


Now get the fuck out.

"Hi, I'd like a stucco house in the Hills." 

Nope, kicking you out. 

"But--"

Goodbye.

"I--"

Nope. 


"Don't you  have enough pictures of me?" 

I CAN' T HELP IT

SHE'S ADORABLE


And here's Terry looking like a black Richard Dawkins.

"We are all Africans." 

No, you're pixels. 



Why are you arguing with your husband now.

"i'm FAT. my FEET HURT. i CAN'T SEE MY OWN SHOES. And you're complaining that you're constantly having to GARDEN?" 


YAY

Heidi: "Now, I'm going to sleep for a week and you're not going to fucking bother me." 

Nope, you have two more skills left. Drive your MM to the house and play chess. 


What was it called? The toddler skilling assembly line or something?

Come on, Mariska. Let's get you smart. 
  


I'm sure you woulda Dunnit, but Terry is married. Settle down.

"Monogamy is a human construct based on outdated morals." 

Cheating is still a douche-y thing to do between humans in all viewpoints, regardless of supporting religious texts or scientific discovery. 


"I'm never going to be rid of having to do shit until I'm dead, am I?"

Correct. Even then, it's iffy. 


"I FEEL QUAKES IN UTERUS-OF-MINE!" 

Yeah...uterus. Let's go with that. 

OH SHIT a cliffhanger! Tune in next time to see what we give birth to? I'm betting, and this just a theory, it'll be a baby.

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