Broken Plumbbob: The Sparkleball Rainbowacy - Part 1

Hello and welcome to my pitiful little blog. Way back when, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and the United States wasn't in the hands of absolute lunacy and debauchery, I used to write Sims 2 and 3 legacies under the monikers of diamondplumbob (on the now utterly borked Sims2.ea.com) and TheWriterAnnounced (on the old boolprop.com forums). And now I'm older and (somewhat) wiser and I still love playing with pixelated dolls and making them suffer for exploitation and funsies.

Jenna - Why did I sign on for this?

At least I'm not Harvey Winestein. That's not how you spell his name. I don't care.

J - Too soon.

From the top, then.

Jenna - Ugh. Hello, I'm Jenna Sparkleball. Yes, my last name is Sparkleball. I am a fairy from the distant lands of Creativa Asimia. Yes, I was bullied in fairy school. No, I'm not a godmother, nor will I grant you glass slippers.

Cat - AHEM. I would liek to file a complaint!

What is it, Kellan?

"Why the fookin' hell am I pink? How am I supposed to pull lookin' liek a bloody Poptart?"

Why are you Scottish?

"Me ma was a Scottish Fold."

And your father smelled of elderberries?

See if you guess the color for Gen 0. If you are colorblind, it is Purple.

"Then why the fook am I bleedin' PINK?!"

Whimsy.

The inside of the house. Not extravagant, I know.

"I demand to leave this job with severance pay."

Sorry, you gave your pawprint on the dotted line.

"Bollocks."

Jenna - Chapter One, The Versatile Whisk (Not Just For Eggs!)

Wut.

Why would you write everything out when you can screenshot it?

You can't stand art, but isn't music kind of art?

"My mother was killed with a crayon."

She has the One Sim Band LTW.

"Hey, did you see that Don Lothario video with the triplets and the gerbil?"

O__o

If this doesn't describe cats in one photo, I don't know what would...

K - Oi, couldn' do me with a fry up, could ya? Perhaps some bangers and mash?

There's kitty kibble in the kitchen.

K - Unacceptable.

Tough.

(I don't know if bangers and mash is a breakfast thing or not. I'm from Eagleland. Though it is a Radiohead song...)

Um, you could play more variety besides Smoke on the Water.

Jenna - How many chords do you know?

um...3? I have fat sausage fingers. Besides, I took piano. And you can sit while performing piano.

J - That's the laziest reason ever. Anyway...here's Wonderwall.

Kellan - This fairy bitch better gimme sum scraps.

K - HOW DO YOU EXPECT TA LIVE ON KIBBLE, YA BUGGER@*#*@

I'm regretting making him Aggressive.

And we have some feminists protesting marriage.

"MARRIAGE IS AN INSTITUTION CREATED BY THE PATRIARCHY"

Thought it originated from monarchy tradition? I don't know...

I thought it was just an excuse to put 70+ picture albums on Facebook every five minutes.

I'm not bitter. I swear.

Kellan - Poxy paper ball, telling communist lies

Wut?

K - This ball is loyal to the Kaiser

Are you already going senile?

Jenna was feeling horrid from a rough day at work, so she through a fairy party.

"I SMOKE, I DRANK, I'M SUPPOSED TO STOP BUT I CAN'T

I'M A DOG, I LOVE HOES, DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL I'M GETTING HOME"

Turn it down!

"ASS TITTIES

ASS AND TITTIES

ASS TITTIES

ASS AND TITTIES"

There goes the Teen rating for this chapter.

"You know, Geico saves you 15% on car insurance, even if you've had an accident--"

Kellan - FOOKIN' PILLOCK, YOU KNOW THAT PRICELINE IS THE ONLY LEGITIMATE INSURANCE PLAN

Not sponsored by Priceline. Why would I be? X)

K - Oh, that little green bastard got out of my clutches. Soon, ya little prick. Soon.

O.o

WHY DO YOU WANT A WASHING MACHINE

WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO DO LAUNDRY

Jenna skilled music instruments. It was boring.

J - Hey!

What is sims obsession with hopscotch?

Of all the items, why would you want a hopscotch mat?

Surely if you want to be Extremely Clean, you'd take off your clothes?

Also...Kellan, what are you doing?

K - Well, if I'm not gettin' any cat action, I'd like somethin' saved fer the bum-licking sessions.

....I am disturbed.

Jenna - Oh, no. My snow cone!

Damn, your Snow Cone skill must be low.

Jenna - If you don't start loving me, I'm going to poison your kibble.

NO.

K - I HEARD THAT YOU WENCH

And then I would eventually take away his Aggressive trait because Reinforcement was taking too long and I was getting annoyed trying to get his social up when he's enemies with Jenna.

What a bastard cat.

...I still love him.

Jenna - Oh right. I'm a fairy. Glowy glowy, feel my vibes.

First gnome of the legacy. I'm going to name them after politicians.

Say hello to Donald Trump the surfer gnome.

DT - Make SimCity covfefe again!

Trying to play guitar in order to get friends, but all Jenna's getting is horses.

Horse - Do you know any songs from Meghan Trainor?

Jenna - Sorry, I play guitar, not a garbage disposal.

"Hehehe, I'm taking a shit on this soccer field."

Horse - Hey, I'll play sweeper!

Dude - What the hell? When did the Grand National introduce horse polo?

Is there horse polo in the Grand National...thought it was a race where horses die if they're trampled...

We accepted but I didn't receive a notification to go to her party. Eh?

Time to hunt for potential breed stock.

Jenna - Yeah, I'm not a prize pony.

O RLY?

Ernest seemed like a good match. But Jenna was slowly dying so we had to go home.

I had to use an emptied town and fill it with rabbitholes and houses because my game likes to lag when loading EA worlds.

K - Unless we're gonna have political discourse, luv, you can still fook off.

Kellan's still weird.

So, since we're still getting snubbed by Kellan, I got him a friend. Meet Zola!

Zola - Where da party at?

And she was instantly cute and rolled on the carpet adorably.

KELLAN, COME AND MEET YOUR SISTER.

Kellan - Zzzz cat don't care zzzzZz

Kellan - Explain your smolness

Zola - Woah, dude. You look like a bottle of Pepto Bismol escaped to the wild and mated with a raccoon.

K - Okay, you can take it back nao.

Now the horses have found my lot.

Horse 1 - Dude, how long do we have to fake sleeping before we eat the garden?

Horse 2 - DUDE shutup, I just heard a camera snap!

The cats actually do get along. Through mutual hatred of things.

Zola - Hate llamas. They're just horses in sheep costumes.

Kellan - Aye, they are fookin' posers. I don't liek beetles. Because they don't sing or play guitar. They just scuttle around and they sell for 900 simoleans for some reason.

We were invited for a party, but the game decided to regress to Sims 1 graphics.

And then drama happened.

What's worse, being the third wheel with a couple who keeps making out or a couple that fights the whole time?

Jenna's face. I know that feel.

Birthday time...

*Zelda tune*

Do--doo--do--da do--doo--do--da do--doo--do--da

BAHHH-DA-DAA-DAAAAAAA

Annnnnnd we have an adult kitteh!

PURPLE MAKEOVER

Zola: "I feel violated."

Wut.

Why are there random sims running past the house?

Gnome-hating sims, no less.

I know I'm putting too many cat pictures, but IT'S CUTE

Movin' on up!

Oh. Kellan got old.

*changes cat lifespans*

And we promptly Try For Kittens.

Zola - Wait...thought we were siblings.

Kellan - Liek that's going to stop her.

Zola: - Well, you better bring the heat.

Kellan - Luv, you're not going to be able to move for daaays

If you look up how cats actually mate in real life, this is far more disturbing.

Yaaaaaay

Trying to find possible mates...

This guy had good features despite already being half-bald...

But was then seen harassing a woman with a video of his fidget spinner tricks.

Lady - OH MY GOD, I said I DIDN'T want to see your MLP waifu fanfiction!

Yeah, we're gonna pass on this guy.

Zola has a kitten!

I named him Eggplant. Or aubergine, if your country is weird.

What the hell? Who is this random doggo?

"I have no home."

Well, he didn't stay around long, so...tough luck.

NOooo, Eggplant! Don't be rude!

He's certainly Kellan's son.

Winter fell upon the Sparkleball abode...

Could you not practice outside and try to freeze to death?

"But the music commands me to play to the wind!"

I command you to get your ass back inside.

QUIT SCRATCHING UP THE DRUM SET YOU LITTLE SHITS

I took Jenna to the Winter Festival. But she took the fun out of it by cheating.

"Why would I skate and risk falling when I can fly?"

I'm sure some Russian Olympians feel the same way...

Donald Trump has moved.

DT - Can we put on some Blurred Lines? That song really speaks to me...

Oh, an alien.

Alien - What? No instant friendship and marrying?

No, because you're already old and crusty.

Alien - ...I'll be back for your males.

I actually have a mod that allows both Female and Male alien pregnancy, sooooo...is that cheating?

Venkat here is turning into a bit of stalker. He's sent us a love letter and is doing the zombie shuffle outside the house.

And then he proceeded to do this until the early hours of the morning. I don't even think he's skating because that pond isn't deep enough.

Venkat - GOTTA GO FAST

Eggplant is becoming a man...cat. Cat man.

POOF! Full size fluffer meow.

I now vote that we call cats fluffermeows.

Then I proceeded to do a makeover...to the wrong cat.

Zola - I am offended.

In my defense, Eggplant did take a lot after his mother.

I tried to fix my mistake. I think she was much pinker, but eh.

There we go. Eggplant looks like an eggplant.

Because I know the word eggplant is bound to cause discussion, I would like to point out this photo...

Eggplants first blooming...

Have I ever tried eggplant? No. I heard you had to do some cooking magic before you can even eat eggplant.

So I noticed that Jenna's fairy-ness was kind of cheat-y, so I went ahead and aged her to adult.

Except she refused to do with the cake so...

You can't escaped my cursor! MWHAHAHAHA

Also, thankfully, she didn't have a midlife crisis.

I found this name in Jenna's relationship panel and I got really excited.

A purple fairy...named WINTER HECK.

!!!!!!!!!!!

It was then that Jenna suddenly realized she was bisexual. >___>

She immediately had this speech bubble after ~~I spammed her queue with phone calls~~ talking to Winter Heck.

DT - Oh, yeah. Gonna see me some purple pussy

GET OUT

This picture is lame, but she's certainly a looker.

Is manipulating sims sexual orientation morally bankrupt? she asks herself in a game where she can literally drown her sims by building a pool prison...