Once upon a time, on a snowy day in mid Sim-tember, Ada Purgatory made the reckless mistake of swimming while exhausted. The Grim Reaper, however, was on vacation, so Ada was sent to the Interim Head of Death Department.
There's a reason she's the Interim, though...
"Ugh, I smell like an Olympic swimmer's fart. Where am I? Did I die in this dress? What's going on?"
Suddenly, the narrator realized that the lights in the hallway were unevenly placed and lo, she was too lazy to fix them.
"Uh, I can hear you. Where's that voice coming from?"
"An ominous, black wooden door. That can only lead to good things, right?"
"What the hell? It's locked!"
You're not entering my office until you wash off. The stench of death is quite enough to be getting on with, I rather not have my office stink of stale chlorine and unspeakable bodily emissions.
"Wash off?! In what? Do you expect me to groom myself like a cat?!"
Here, you whiny imp.
Wasn't attempting to sleep in water the reason you died in the first place?
"There better not be any cameras..."
MissingNo: "Don't worry, m'lady, I shall guard your precious womanly attributes."
"I'm clean and still dressed like I'm from Little House on the Prairie."
We have a budget in Hell and fashion was not on the fiduciary priority list.
"Wait, I'm in HELL?! What did I do? I was nice to people, I did Crossfit, I ate meat only occasionally, and once made it two weeks of Lent without caffeine!"
What do you mean I still have to pay tax on pizza?! I'm a right hand of the Dark Prince himself and you want to nickel and dime me over extra pepperoni?!
*click*
Oh, sorry. What were you saying? Sit down, Ada.
So, the bylaws of Hell are pretty extensive. I mean, we have the best defense attorneys down here so loopholes are to be expected. Basically, you have an offense dated back to before your 20th birthday...
"You mean...what happened at that party? *gulp* I sw-swear, I was drunk and I didn't know the bed was already occupied. One of the party crashers had a camera and it leaked out, but it wasn't what it looked like?"
What? No, I meant you were using WinRAR without paying for it.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I have bills to pay, do I look like the type to have excess funds to pay for a FILE UNZIPPER?!"
Heh, it's always funny to watch you reprobates freak out like you can do anything about it.
Here's the deal: You need to churn out 26 generations in purgatory or you'll be doomed to Hell forever.
"Wait, if I'm starting a 26 generation legacy, then that means I'm going to die after a while anyway."
Correct.
"That doesn't sound like a deal at all."
Also correct.
"Do I have a choice?"
*teleport noise*
Nope.
Well, that was a full morning of appointments. Time for lunch and I'll deal with the onslaught of ladderless pool victims. Maybe I'll call Beelzebub and he'll put aside a panini for me...
Roll call for Ada Purgatory!
"If I'm dead, how do I still have traits?"
You expect Hell to have logic?
"Please don't tell me this empty expanse of grass is my house."
Tough shit, kid. Kick rocks. And dig them up and find crystals and stupid trophies.
"WHINE"
*doesn't care*
Townie: "...anyway, so that was the list of 2393 things you can do with sauerkraut besides eating it."
Ada: "This hotdog tastes like sadness."
Ada: "I smell silicon."
Nancy Landgrabb: "Are those hot dogs? Do ya mind if I have a couple?"
"Sure, just don't too close to the hot grill. Your tits might explode."
"MOTHERFLUCKING PIECE OF SHIST. HOW DARE YOU PUT ME IN THIS SITUATION, YOU GODDARN BISCUIT."
*with hand on the Profanity Filter switch* This might be Hell, but you don't have to swear excessively. It's uncouth.
"YOU'VE BEEN FRICKING SWEARING"
Yeah, but I'm me. Sucks, don't it?
"FLARN IT"
"OH SIM GODS, WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME?"
Sim Gods: "*out of service beep* We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is out of service. Please hang up and try again."
"IS THIS THE MOTHERFORNICATING APOCALYPSE?"
Hey, I got you a bed. Just sleep it off, it'll be fine.
"*SLEEPS ANGRILY*"
She joined the Politician career and got enough SimBucks for some cheap digs.
"I'm living on a diet of food trolley microwave hot dogs and mushrooms. This is my darkest hour."
You obviously haven't seen this game's version of toddlers.
"*monotone* Save the trees. Save the trees. Save the trees.
...I'm in HELL. Are these even actual trees or ghost trees?!"
Well, Hell needs oxygen and paper as well. How else will those GOP bills be written?
"I'm so depressed and lonely, I'm literally turning blue."
No, it's because you're outside in the freezing cold in your pajamas. Idiot.
"I'm still COLD"
Go sit on the grill, then.
Finally too lonely to do anything I want her to do, I let her go to a restaurant. Why is Vladdis-something always working service positions in my game?
"Mmm, but those look like succulent round blood bags."
Okay, calm down, Eric Northman.
Waitress: "Must be nice, not being a servant to the ignorant masses."
Ada: "Excuse me? I'm a politician, ALL of my constituents are ignorant."
Waitress: "You sit there with ample cleavage and a legacy to forge, yet you complain like a spoiled child."
"...what? Who are you?"
Oh, don't mind her. That's just one of the Heralds. Envy, Ada, Ada, Envy.
Ada: "Heralds...of Hell? Wait...Envy?! Like one of the SEVEN SINS?!"
Envy: "You cotton on quick. I do enjoy the facial expressions of sudden, inescapable fear on a mortal's face."
"I'm so terrified, my sclera's eaten my irises."
Since we're still lawn living, I force politely suggest that Ada go fishing.
"Is there an equivalent of the Geneva Convention in Hell?"
Oh, yeah, there's LOADS of advocates for torture victims...in HELL.
These three were walking up the sidewalk like Queens of Westeros.
Also, the frontwoman stole Ada's dress and dyed it orange.
"Even if you wore it before me, you still copyin', so step off."
"Daily Log Week 2: I'm roughing it in the icy wilderness with only a crackling fire to talk to. Desperation will set in soon, I fear. Also, I can't even tell my mom that it literally snowed in Hell so she has to buy me that Kia I wanted when I was 16."
YOU JUST MOTHERFORAGING UPDATED, YOU CUNEIFORM
Also, my Bluetooth keyboard stopped working. THANKS WINDOWS, YOU SON OF A BULLDOG
Also, my Bluetooth keyboard stopped working. THANKS WINDOWS, YOU SON OF A BULLDOG
"Can I have a fridge? I respect vegans and all, but I'd rather be able to afford lunchmeat."
You and the rest of the working millennials.
Ada: "WELL SORRY, DR. DOOLITTLE, THIS IS MOTHERFLAMING HELL. EXCUSE ME IF CARE MORE FOR SIMS THAN GOATDARN LLAMAS"
"I'm starting to feel like my life isn't mine."
Considering I paid for the world you live in, it's not.
"Well, if you had more money you wouldn't be so angry, would you?"
Oh, hey Greed.
"Figured I stroll the streets, get a sight of the...view. Never realized the outside world was so...homely."
In other words, she actually support's Ada's Save the Trees efforts.
"Money grows on trees, after all."
Can you imagine the flucking state of the world if money actually grew on trees? It'd be illegal for citizens to plant or harvest them, knowing governments today.
Ada: "It is raining in my house. WHY DON'T I HAVE A HOUSE"
Why can't you get promotions?
"You'd think I'd be getting skin cancer from all the time in the sun! I NEED A FRAMMING HOUSE"
It's been Summer for one day!
"Yep, just delivering the mail. Doing my part to make the postal service work."
I'm not tipping you.
"...is it too late to become a stripper turned rapper like Cardi B?"
Oh no, it's a vamp attack! And he's come to wreak havoc by...cleaning the dishes?
"BLEH I might be undead, but I'm not a slob!"
Ada: "Allow me to greet you by my farting rendition of Smoke on the Water."
"Ugh, it's burning. That's a point. You're a vampire, why aren't you burning to death?"
"BLEH I put on SPF Infinity this morning."
Ada: "Hey, ladies! It's hotter than HELL today! Hahahahaha..."
Katrina Caliente: "You push her in, I'll hold her under."
Caterina: "I hate newbies."
"Face down, ass up, that's the way I like to...ZzzzzZZZz"
I, too, collapse into a snail pose when exhausted.
Um...how is this a political mural?
"It's empty like the Man's inaction to save the trees."
Wait, is that Death?
Oh, no, it's Famine. Another Herald. You know, Four Horseman of the Apocalypse?
"I'm in my off-time. Haven't had a good famine since Ireland's potato shortage."
Um...aren't third world countries starving?
"That's what interns are for."
"Why did I wake up toastier than burnt toast?"
ZzzzzZZZZAP!
"⛥ I̶̺̜̠͔̼͊͑̓́ ̶͈̝̌C̵̪͒͊Ȃ̴͚̮̘͇Ñ̴̜͕͖̞ ̶̣̖̩̓̆͛͌̕S̵̫̪̯̊̌É̸̠͉͙Ĕ̸̘͚̂̑͘ ̴͙̺̦̈́͑̊̀̽T̶͚̀̅͒H̶̠̦̾̄̃̔͠E̴͍̤͎͂̔̿͝ ̵̡͉̳̄E̵͔̭͔̐̃̓D̵̳͓̱̼͑͗̾̕G̴͎̗̀̓̈̃̈́E̵͍̲͍͈̥͌S̵̞̻̀ ̴̯̍̂͌̚Ö̴̡̖͕͙̮́͛̿F̶̨̳̿͗ ̸͙̯͉̠̦̑Ě̴̡̨̙͚̜̅̀X̴̼̼̪͠ͅI̸̩͎̟̯̾̃̊͘S̸̨͈̰̗͊́̽Ţ̴̝̙̠̬͛̃͋̕E̶͚̅̽̈́̀̏Ň̷̺̻̤̌C̴̻̩͙̈E̴͇͕͕̼̋̋͠͝ ⛧"
Ooh, crystal!
"I have been restored. Existence may continue."
LOOK
EVERYTHING'S INSIDE NOW
Oh, hey War. How's it going?
"Hello, do you have time to talk about Our One True Liege, Mr. Satan?"
...Mr. Satan?
"Eh, he's gotten tired of the whole 'Dark Prince', 'Fallen Angel' shtick."
...wait, then why does he make ME say Dark Prince? I'm the Interim Chief!
"Guess he likes the Heralds more than you, bottomfeeder."
*has an anger*
I bought Ada a DJ table so she would quit whining about not having musical fun.
"So, can I just scream my name over some other artist's track and call it music?"
Worked for DJ Khaled.
"NOOOO
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING THE TREES WHEN MY OWN ARE DYING"
Really don't know why they die, either, I water them enough. Do they die after a time of not weeding them?
Seeing as this is Hell, I choose politician.
"Shouldn't it be MY choice?"
Has anything been your choice thus far?
"...no."
Welcome to capitalism.
Ada: "Hey stranger! So, here's the deal...vote for me or I'll poison your shop food."
Eve: "Pfft, you think the Heralds haven't tried? Flip off with your threats, beech."
Ada: "Damn it, how do I secure votes?"
NOT ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, BANANA PLANTAIN TREE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE HUMID CLIMATES.
"The trees are our lifeline! Don't you like breathing oxygen? How can you walk away from this cause?"
Nancy: "Like this. Ta ta, tree-hugger freak."
Did EAxis just throw shade? I think they just did.
Is she up to the challenge?
Eh, I'm sure she'll be fine.
*squeaky, awful violin playing*
"Playing violin was not as serene and peaceful as I hoped!"
Whatever, it keeps you from bitching about your Fun for five minutes. "Oooh, I can't garden right now, I'm not having enough FUN." Life is suffering, buy a helmet! Like Gandi said!
What are you up to in your upgraded digs, Bella?
"Usually legacy writers come beating down my door."
Not this one, keep walking, Hell version of Bella Goth.
"Usually legacy writers come beating down my door."
Not this one, keep walking, Hell version of Bella Goth.
That seems like a good stopping point for this chapter. Next time...maybe we'll find Ada a spouse and not be living in a shanty house? I can only hope!
